Season’s Greetings

Dude and Dude

“Merry Christmas, dude!”

“What?!?”

“I said, ‘Merry Christmas, dude!'”

“Jeez, dude! Chill out, willya? We’re just hangin’!”

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Reg and Syd

“Merry Christmas, Syd!”

“And to you, Reg. Great minds think alike, eh?”

“Indeed, Syd. When I opened your email and saw that you’d made the same $10,000 contribution to the Gingrich campaign in my name that I’d made in yours, I wondered if you’d bugged my house.”

“Now, Reg, certainly you know that I wouldn’t do that to you.”

“Ah, but we’d talked before about Trumpy.”

“True, and that gave me pause. But I reasoned that he’d think he was one of us, so we’d have a hard time controlling him. Newt knows who’s paying the bills.”

“And if he gets out of line, we drag out another one of the skeletons in his closet – he’s got plenty, and we know where they are – and remind him. Sydney, your reasoning impresses me.”

“Thank you, Reg. That’s high praise, coming from you. Eggnog? Reinforced with some of France’s finest?”

“But of course. Here’s to a Tea Party New Year.”

*      *      *      *      *      *      *

TSA Jack

“Wow, Jack! That’s what I call a bonus. Thank you!”

“Just your share in the hard work, Juanita. We prosper on the basis of good ideas and a good team to execute them. And didn’t I tell you that the body scanners were going to be a good idea?”

“You did, Jack. But I had no idea …!”

“I guess this means I’ve heightened your sense of security?”

“MmmmmMmmmmm.”

“I’m glad. There’s a new year coming, travel predictions are up, and we need to be ready. Merry Christmas!”

“Merry Christmas!”

*      *      *      *      *      *      *

Screwtape The Third

“So, Wormsap. How did His Sublime Lowness Mr. Printphubar respond to our Christmas gift?”

“He, ah, was unable to give a courteous response, sir.”

“He didn’t use prohibited language, did he?”

“Alas, sir, he didn’t. He merely watched the pile burn, nodded gravely, and dismissed me.”

“Nothing to report to the Board, then. A pity. A single expletive and we would have had him. But no. We will simply have to bide our time and be watchful. What’s so funny?”

“Our language rules. And the looks on the faces of the newbies when they find out about them. They figure they’ve invested in a property here, they can talk and bellow and scream as they like in it. And then they read the rules.”

“‘As a member of Hadean Estates Luxurious Living LLLC, you are a representative of the Company, and your conduct at all times impacts shareholder values. No extreme language of any kind is permitted at any time. All communications among shareholders, and between shareholders and representatives of management, shall be conducted using the highest norms of courtesy and respect that are appropriate to the language in common use at that time.’ Which we change at any time, with no notice. Absolutely obsidian!”

“Remember when we switched the common language to Fortran, sir?”

“Careful, Wormsap. You’ll make me howl! So, back to work, then. Service!”

“Service, sir.”