Screwtape The Third: Bore Dumb

“What’s so funny, Wormsap?”

“Sorry, Master Screwtape. I just got out of today’s indoctrination session for the newbies, and one fellow in particular was particularly amusing.”

“Hmm?”

“Well, sir, you know how these topsiders are always trying to figure out how they can get into the [ptui!] Adversary’s place without actually having to do any work? So one day, this fellow wanders into a church thinking that maybe this will be the way, sits down – and the organ starts playing this low drone that goes on forever. ‘Man’, he thinks, ‘this is pure tedium.’ And then he checks the bulletin, and finds out the name of the music the organist is playing.”

“Te Deum.”

“Exactly! How did you know?”

“I’ve been in that church. I left agents. You weren’t aware of this?”

“Ah … um … well, the ploy sure worked on this guy. He jumped up, yelled ‘That’s it!‘, and ran out of the sanctuary before they could throw him out. And he spent the rest of his life being as boring, and as bored, as possible. He was not happy when the welcoming demon came up to him, with his signed contract in his foreclaws.”

“Uh huh.”

“We assigned him to the unit that houses Dunbar from Catch-22, and the narrator from the Rocky Horror Show – complete with audience.”

“Who are constantly yelling ‘Boring?'”

“Of course, sir. Hours of entertainment!”

“Wormsap?”

“Sir?”

“Am I not giving you enough work to do?”

“Ah …[gulp] … in the pleasure of this conversation, sir, I am neglecting tasks to which I should be attending. By your leave, sir …!!”