Dude and Dude: Cellphone!

“Dude! There y’are, dammit! I’ve been textin’ ya fer like the last ten minutes! Why didn’t ya answer?”

“No phone, dude.”

“Again?!? Jeez, dude, can’t ya take care a nothin’? Where’d ya lose it this time?”

“Didn’t lose it, dude. It was took.”

“Yeah? Who took it?”

“They did.”

“So who’s ‘they’?!”

“I dunno, dude! All I know is they came outa nowhere, wearin’ some kinda funny uniforms, snatched tha phone like they had a right to, an’ went away! No ‘thank you’ ‘r nothin’.”

“Do I wanna know what’s goin’ on here?”

“Ya won’t believe it …”

“Uh huh. I didn’t think so. But yer gonna tell me anyhow, so get it over with.”

“So glad ta have a friendly audience, dude! So I’m on this jetliner …”

“Yeah, I dig. Another a OC’s business trips.”

“I should hope ya’d know, ’cause yer tha one what talks wit’ him. Do ya really get any a that sciency gobbledegook a his? Anyway. We get up ta 30,000 feet, an’ the crew give their OK, so I whip out my cell so’s I can play some games an’ not be totally bored. An’ I do this fer a few minutes an’ it’s gnarly, then all a a sudden this nut gets inta my face preachin’ at me!”

“Whoah. Didn’t the flight attendants come ‘n get him?”

“They was too busy wit’ the Hare Krishnas who popped up five rows back. An’ then this scream comes from the front a the plane, an’ this chick attendant comes flyin’ outa the front cabin an’ starts yellin’ at this real scared dude in tha seat opposite me, “Ya gotta fly tha plane! Ya gotta fly tha plane!”

“What tha …”

“An’ then! The pilot’s door opens, an’ this inflatable doll comes out an’ goes inta tha lav!”

“Lemme guess. His badge said his name was Otto.”

“Didn’t get a chance ta look, ’cause that’s when the guys wit’ the funny uniforms showed up. ‘Let us see that phone’, they tell me.

“An’ I said, ‘WhaaAAAt?!? Ya got a plane full a God freaks praisin’ rabbits an’ breathin’ hellfire, ya got flight attendants screamin’ an’ runnin’ up an’ down tha aisles, ya got an inflatable doll flyin’ tha plane who’s in the john takin’ a leak, an’ you asswipes ‘re worried ’bout my cell? Are ya fer real? Look! It’s in airplane mode. See? What is yer problem?!?‘

“‘You are our problem, dude’, they tell me. ‘This phone isn’t in airplane mode, it’s in Airplane! mode. Where’d you get this app, and when?’ To which I could only reply, ‘Huh?’

“‘That’s what we were afraid of’, they said. ‘We need to check this out.’ So they went away. With my phone. An’ all tha weirdos too, come ta think of it. An’ that’s how come I ain’t been able ta answer yer texts.”

“Dude?”

“Yeah?”

“You sure nobody’s been spikin’ yer stash?”

“It’s tha truth, dude! I swear it …!”

=====================================

“It worked, Jack! It worked!!”

“Gotta hand it to you, Angelo. I didn’t think you guys could pull it off, but you did it. This oughta help your dividend checks a bit.”

“A bit? Man, this’ll make the jackknife fund look like peanuts! All the swag we’ll pick up in the security lines, once the regs come down that all cells have gotta be in checked baggage, due to concerns about Airplane! mode. Ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching!”

“Do try not to let the clients see too much of your happy dance.”

“We’ll be careful. But there will be some of us who won’t be able to resist doing the Hi de Hi de Hi, Jack!”

“Angelo?”

“Sir?”

“Don’t push yer luck.”