Christmas 2013: Day 2

Rudolph: “Mr. C!! Glad to see you, sir … but, er, isn’t it your bedtime? What’re you doing in the stables with us?”

Claus: “Going to be joining you and your teammates tonight, by your leave, Rudolph. Mrs. C. threw me out of the house.”

Rudolph: “Threw you out?!? But why??”

Claus: “You won’t believe it.”

Rudolph: “Try me.”

Claus: “I went into the house after our 31 hours straight of delivering toys, and in great joy and relief, as usual, bellowed out ‘Ho Ho Ho!!'”

Rudolph: “That got you tossed into the barn??”

Claus: “Told you you wouldn’t believe it. ‘You brazen bastard!’, she yells at me. ‘All this time I’ve believed you when you claimed to be gallivanting around the world ‘delivering toys to good little girls and boys.’ How ‘good’ were they, you son of a bitch? The girls, I mean, I don’t want even to think about the boys. I do hope that at least a few of them were of legal age. How long did you think you could get away with flinging the truth in my face before I caught on, huh? And at your age and weight, too? Well, buster, the time has come. You can keep your social diseases to yourself from now on, thank you very much. Get out.'”

Rudolph: “Wow. Just wow. Wouldn’t the workshop be more comfortable for you?”

Claus: “Perhaps. But, of course, the elves have the day off, like they always do the day after mission accomplished, and the key’s in the house. Besides, I’m not sure I’d wish to see the elves under these circumstances. Especially the chief elf, damn him.”

Rudolph: “Why? What did he do?”

Claus: “Insisted that we install the Internet in the domestic quarters as well as the workshop. I admit it was convenient. And for the longest time, the Missus would have nothing to do with it. But this year …”

Rudolph: “So those tweets from @mrsscnp* that started showing up last July were … her? Really?”

Claus: “They were.”

Rudolph: “And you said the elves have the day off, so we can’t get the sysadmin to block that account.”

Claus: “Oh. I wish you hadn’t thought of that.”

Rudolph: “Yeah. Me too. But hasn’t she got enough of a clue to realize that you’ve hardly got time during the Christmas mission to breathe from one house to the next, never mind, um, linger at any of them? Especially at your age and weight, begging your pardon?”

Claus: “Et tu, Rudolph? But alas, no. She’s got ahold of this Internet meme that claims our mission is not merely difficult, it is impossible. Clearly, she’s decided that, since we’ve been coming back alive every year, I must have been doing something other than what I’ve said we’ve been doing. And since, as I’ve learned too late, ‘ho’ is no more a merry word these days than ‘gay’ is …”

Rudolph: “Oh man, I am sorry! Now what?”

Claus: “I fall asleep on the hay. And hope things will be better in the morning.”

Rudolph: “I don’t know, Boss. With all that internet misinformation out there …”

Claus: “Good night, Rudolph!”