Dude and Dude: Microbiome

“Microwhat?!?”

“Microbiome, dude!”

“Yeah, dude? What’s it gonna cost me?”

“Huh?!?”

“Ya said I gotta buy this whatevah it is.”

“Jebus, dude! Don’tcha ever follow tha news?”

“Well duh! But not as much as I like, I gotta tell ya. I mean, have they found this Malaysia plane yet? Wifi in this place is crappy, ya feel me? Ya’d think a so-called smart dude like OC would do a better job findin’ digs. Connectivity’s got too dam many bugs innit.”

“Stop bitchin’, dude. We’re in Hawai‘i again! Ya’d rather be back where we was, drownin’ in tha rain, freezin’ ta death, an’ diggin’ yer donkey outa mudslides? B’sides, ya wanna stress ’bout bugs, I suggest ya look in tha mirror!”

“What? Where!?!”

“Ever’where! That’s what I’ve been tryin’ ta tell ya, dude! Ya got bugs! All over ya! Gazillions of ’em! We all do!”

“Eww! What kinda bugs? An’ do I wanna know?”

“Man up, dude! Some of ’em might actually be good fer ya. An’ most of ’em are little. Too small ta see. Which is how come they call ’em micro. They’re bacteria, most of ’em.”

“Bacteria?”

“That’s what I said, dude.”

“Bacteria? On my face? That don’t compute, dude.”

“Earth ta dude …”

“Earth ta dude yerself, dude! Since when is my face my back??”

“Wha …”

“Ya say I got these bugs all over me, right? An’ I presume they ain’t all the same kinds. So if I got bacteria on my back, I got somethin’ else on my face! Dig?”

“Wit’ a shovel, maybe …”

“Break it down, dude. If’n ya got bacteria on yer back, then ya got fronteria on yer front.”

“Fer you, dude, that’d be final fronteria. Perfect companions fer a space cadet.”

“La la la laa … An’ if’n ya got back an’ fronteria, then ya got top an’ bottomteria too.”

“Riiight. The topteria are tha one-percenters, an’ the bottomteria get tha dirty end a tha stick like tha rest a us, ha?”

“Yer gettin’ tha hang a this, dude.”

“Yeah. Shoot me now.”

“I got a gut feelin’ ya don’t mean that.”

“Is that yer gut talkin’, ‘r tha bacteria innit?”

“Gut-teria!”

“Yer puttin’ a lot a stress on this, dude.”

“Wassamatta? Stressin’ ya out?”

“Yeah! An’ it’s makin’ me, like, te(a)ry-eyed.”

“An’ that would be from the eyeteria?”

“Ai! Dude, if’n I’m gonna keep on talkin’ wit’ you, I need ta do somethin’ ta keep my strength up. I’m goin’ ta tha cafeteria.”

“Coffee’s got bugs too?!? You go ‘head, dude. I’ll stay here an’ fight tha Wifi bugs. I reckon I got a better chance wit’ them!”

“Dude.”