Dude and Dude: Island Size Matters

“So, dude, they call this place tha Big Island, yeah?”

“Yeah – them what don’t care ’bout pissin’ off folk who think tha birthplace of Hawai‘i’s great King should oughta get some respect – like, its full name?”

“Which means, like, basically nobody ‘cept OC an’ you. It’s tha Big Island. Deal. But I gotta question.”

“Yah?”

“How big is it?”

“Dunno, dude. When I sneeze, do ya get knocked over an’ hafta go swimmin’?”

“I don’ think so, dude.”

“Well then, it’s big enough, yeah?”

“Ha. Ha ha. Ha. That what’d ya tell yer mother when she asks?”

“I tell her ‘sorry mom, I ain’t got a clue’, an’ I ask certain dudes of my acquaintance when wuz it I started lookin’ like an iPad screen, get it?”

“It’d be an improvement, dude, and mebbe mean y’were a some use fer once, too. ‘Part from usin’ a dumb iPad ‘stead a a Galaxy ‘r somethin’ that actually worked.”

“Yeah right. I’ll show ya ‘dumb’. ‘hawai‘i … map … compare.’ Enter. An’ right up at tha top a tha search page, we find somethin’ that looks ’bout right.”

“Yeah?”

“Call it ‘mapfrappe’.”

“Map frappe? Ya mean, like a chocolate milkshake, only gnarly?”

“Means it’s a hit, dude. Hits ya too hard, ya might get a headache outa it. ‘R not. So lessee how this works. On tha top map, ya find yer target – Hawai‘i Island – an’ draw a outline round it.”

“Kinda clunky.”

“So it ain’t Photoshop. As if that would work on tha Web nohow. Test yer patience, doc; good fer ya. So’s ya get that done, an’ boom. Yer outline shows up in tha center a tha bottom screen, on top a a map a tha world. Which ya c’n move ’round an’ resize an’ let ya see how big yer Big Island really is.”

“Fer real?”

“Y’c’n scroll same as I can. So what ya wanna know?”

“Well, hell. Is tha Big Island bigger than Rhode Island?”

“Yeah. But big whoop. Yer shoe closet’s bigger than Rhode Island. Sure hope Rhode Island smells better.”

“Delaware?”

“Bigger than Delaware, just. Start talkin’ Connecticut an’ New Jersey, ya start talkin’ ’bout states that’re bigger than tha Big Island. Place got lost in, like, Montana, ain’t sure nobody’d be able ta find it. An’ hey, check this out – y’could drop tha Big Island inta Lake Superior an’ it’d disappear. Wit’out a trace, even.”

“Yeah. ‘Cept fer tha splash it’d make when ya dropped it in. Could ya fit New York City onta tha Big Island?”

“Tha five boroughs? Yeah. Add in Long Island, Jersey, an’ tha burbs in tha Hudson Valley an’ Connecticut, not so much. Pretty much tha same thing fer Chi-town, Dallas, LA, San Fran.”

“Wow. Kinda scary that ya can’t put a whole mainland city onta a Hawaiian Island without it, like, floppin’ over tha side.”

“Ya mean, like Honolulu?”

“Yeah, now that ya mention it …”

“‘Course, if’n ya preferred growin’ alligators ta people …”

” … whut?”

“Big Island’s ’bout the same size as tha Florida Everglades.”

“Uh huh. Those alligator tales would liven up the luaus ’round here, fer sure. But afta tha lizards ate all tha tourists, what w’ld we do fer money?”

“Well, Hawai‘i Island is about the same size as Kuwait.”

“So’s we c’ld have black gold ‘stead a black basalt? Six months ago, dude, I woulda said ‘bring it’. Now that they’re practically givin’ gasoline away …?”

“Just wait a year ‘r so, dude. Black gold’ll be back.”

“Dude.”