Dude and Dude: Birthday Fake

“AaaaaAAAACK!”

“Sup, dude? Yer virtual empire jus’ get virtually Trumped ‘r somethin’?”

“‘We will rebuild, dude.’ Nah, that ain’t it at all! I jus’ got ‘nother Facebook birthday notice! How tha hell many birthdays are there inna year, anyways??”

“‘Bout 365. One more on leap years. So? Who is it?”

“Jess.”

“So ya bang ‘Happy Birthday, Jess!” in tha box, poke, an’ done. Move on wit’ yer life. Ifn y’can call spendin’ hours Facebookin’ an’ whackin’ virtual empires on yer phone a life.”

“Fer ever’body?”

“Yeah, well, I reckon Damitri ain’t gonna like bein’ called ‘Jess’ on his birthday, but, yeah.”

“How tha hell lame is that?”

“Callin’ ever’body by tha same name ’cause yer cut’n’pastin’ yer birthday greetin’s? Plenty.”

“Zactly!!”

“… whut?”

“Ya don’ wanna be cuttin’ an’ pastin’. Ya wanna be comin’ up wit’ somethin’ that’ll, like, let ’em know ya ain’t a robot!”

“Dunno, dude, them Russian bot’s ‘r probly smarter than you. Better lookin’, too.”

“Thanks fer pilin’ on tha pressure, dude.”

“What’s it to ya, dude? Ya got tha hots fer Jess ‘r somethin’?”

“What ifn she’s got ’em fer me?”

“Dude, get off tha phone. Go take a walk in tha rain. Colder tha better. She only friended ya outa pity, an’ ya know it better’n I do. Write her a sonnet an’ she’ll think yer a creep. Ignore her beedee an’ she’ll think yer a jerk. So when ya get back, an’ ya still think ya gotta be clever, slam down “HB, J” ‘r somethin’ an’, like I said afore, do it an’ move on.”

“Dude, wit’ friends like you …”

“An’ while yer out, buy us some beer, willya?”

“Wit’ yer virtual money?”

“Gettin’ ya virtually drunk might get ya ta chill. An’ get ya ta wishin’ peeps a happy birthday wit’out gettin’ all uptight ’bout it, yeah?”