Dude and Dude: The Awful English Language

“Hey dude!”

“What?”

“Since yer up already, get me a beer from tha fridge, willya?”

“OK, dude, but ya gotta pay toll fer it. This here Bud is brought ta ya by tha letter ‘B’.”

“[…] Ain’t no one told ya that yer a bit scrawny ta be pretendin’ ta be Big Bird?”

“P’rhaps ya’d prefer ta watch my little bird fly, dude?”

“I’d prefer it if’n ya told me what tha hell is goin’ on here?”

“So ya want me ta spell it out fer ya?”

“Well duh! Dammit, dude, ya know I ain’t no good at spellin’!”

“An’ I’m tryin’ ta tell ya that it wasn’t all yer fault! ‘Course, I don’ know how come I’m botherin’ …”

“So OC c’ld have somethin’ ta write on his blog tanight?”

“Yeah, there’s that.”

“So ya c’n blame him!”

I didn’t write the language, dudes, I just use it. And I try not to misuse it. Unlike some dudes I know.

“Yeah, dude, like OC said … Hey!!”

If the shoe fits, dude …

“[mmfrrmmmmmfrrrrg] I live in Hawai‘i, OC! I wear slippahs! So there!”

“Willya stop arguin’ wit’ OC already, an’ spill what yer gonna spill? Afore he command-Xs us?”

“CONTROL-X!!”

“Whatevah …”

“So, ain’t ya evah noticed that, to say tha word ‘beer’, ya say tha letter B an’ follow it wit’ kinda a grunt?”

“So, a word wit’out a grunt innit is disgruntled?”

“[…] Ya gonna listen ta me, ‘r what?”

“I’m listenin’.”

“Wit’ yer fingers crossed b’hind yer back. So ya thinka tha alphabet, an’ ya realize ya got tha possibility a twenty-six words made up by sayin’ a letter an’ followin’ it wit’ a grunt.”

“Yeah?”

“So I totted ’em up, an’ came up wit’ seventeen real words outa tha 26.”

“Ya kinda cheated on three a ’em. An’ fer D an’ T, ya got two words outa ’em.”

“Sue me. An’ ya might consider how come we’re botherin’ ta speak an’ write a language that’s so lame, it can’t even come up wit’ any words that use tha other nine combinations! An’ that ain’t even that worst a it.”

“Yeah?”

“In all seventeen a them words …”

“Nineteen.”

“Hey.”

“No, we can’t dance tagetha …”

“An’ we can’ talk at all. Why doesn’ this saprize me? As I was tryin’ ta say, tha grunt in them words sounds ‘zactly tha same. Is it spelled tha same way in all a ’em? Hell no! Hell, in four a them words, they can’t even match tha startin’ letter wit’ its sound!”

“Ya gotta point. An’ speakin’ a points, can ya tell me how come we call a letter that is, like, totally made up of two vs, ‘double u’?”

“Yer askin’ me?”

“Ya brought it up, dude! An’ what tha hell is a ‘ewer’, anyways?”

“It’s a pitcher!”

“Like, in tha World Series?!?”

“Why not, dude? Ev’ry Cubs fan knows that Lester is more!”

“An’ this is why yer tellin’ me that tha English language is awful, an’ that’s how come I can’t spell?”

“Yeah. ‘Course, it bein’ Hallowe’en an’ all, I’m kinda grateful that ya can’t spell.”

“Gimme a cauldron ta boil an’ bubble an’ we’ll see ’bout that. An’ ya still ain’t got tha worst of it.”

“Yeah?”

“How tha hell come we’re botherin’ wit’ a language in which some awe is bonus, an’ full a awe is terrible? Huh?”

“Dude.”