Incoming …!

He and She

She: “The bathroom? Seriously?”

He: “It’s what we got while we try to figure out whether ‘this is not a drill’ means what it says. ‘Stupidity’ has not yet been ruled out as an explanation for this, but I’d rather not be doing the deer-in-the-headlights thing if it’s for real. ”

She: “But the bathroom?!? it’s not exactly a concrete bunker.”

He: “As if there were any in the neighborhood that we could get to in time. I look at it this way. We live in a wood house, perched on stilts on a hillside, and surrounded by floor-to-8′ plate glass doors and windows. If an A-bomb lands in Honolulu, we won’t notice. If one lands in Kona, we won’t notice either. Not for long, anyway. If a bomb lands somewhere in between, the shock wave probably takes out the windows. The bathroom is about the only place in the house where we won’t get sliced to ribbons by flying glass. It’s a little thing, but it’s something.”

She: “OK … but shouldn’t we be getting, like, water and canned food and blankets in here?”

He: “Nah. If all we have to deal with is broken glass, there’ll be time to fetch that stuff afterwards. If we get a bigger hit than that, we might as well leave it for the foragers.”

She: “All right, I guess. I suppose there’s one good thing about being in here.”

He: “Hm?”

She: “If something scary really does happen, we’ll have someplace to go.”

He: “One of us will, anyway.”

          *                    *                    *

TSA Jack

“Shit, Jack!”

“So that was you?”

“No, brah. Not quite.”

“Good. I thought we trained you better than that.”

“How could you have told it was me anyway? With all of those people in security, and the check-in lines, and baggage claim, and everywhere else screaming and crying and freaking out? I’m surprised the gates don’t all smell like sewers! And what do you tell people, when all the experts say ‘Go indoors’ in case of a bomb attack and we’ve got a terminal that ain’t got no indoors?!”

“Except the bathrooms.”

“Ugh. Don’t remind me. That scene was ug-lee!”

“Good thing we’re Feds, and got the straight dope out to people faster than the idiots who sent out the false alarm could get their ‘sorry, our bad’ out. Or it would have been much worse.”

“Got that right. But what if it had been real?”

“I’ll tell you this much, Nohea. Events like this will get that ‘no indoors’ stuff fixed, like, right now. And get those security lines beefed up so they’re much closer to our codes, far more secure for our operations. And with not a peep from the cattle. We’ll keep ’em safe, and us too. Hm. Maybe the Hawai‘i Department of Emergency Management peeps aren’t such idiots after all. Maybe I should send the operatives who pulled this off a small token of our appreciation.”

“Let them in on the swag, you mean?”

“You said that, Nohea. Not me.”

“Uh huh. Sounds to me like perfectly good Hawai‘i aloha, looking after the ‘ohana. E komo mai, Jack.”

          *                    *                    *

Reg and Syd

“Well, Sydney, that was the best bellylaugh I’ve had in a year full of good cheer!”

“What, Reg? The ballistic missile false alarm business in Hawai‘i? I did find it amusing, in a sick sort of way.”

“Amusing? My dear Syd, it’s perfectly hilarious! And the timing couldn’t be more perfect! For this to happen in the bluest of blue states, with its Congressional representatives constantly attempting to gain brownie points for themselves by assailing our President with charges of cronyism, corruption, and incompetence. Our President, obviously the people’s choice, just look at how the markets are doing, and the employment numbers and the consumer confidence statistics! And this one Representative thinks she can accumulate enough freak points to challenge him. Bah! Look after your own, woman!”

“Pot insulting the kettle, Reg?”

“Precisely! In the finest tradition of Tammany Hall, the Democratic Party in Hawai‘i protects its own, including the massive government bureaucracy that is dependent on it, from all efforts to clean it up and make it actually serve the people who vote for it. ‘Ohana my ass. Al Capone could have taken lessons in running a crime family from them.

“They can’t run a public education system, they can’t even keep their records straight within that system. They get away with it. They can’t build a rail system in Honolulu, they get to keep pouring money into it so they can keep their idle friends onside. On the island of Hawai‘i, they’ve got a Board of Water Supply that can’t supply water, and they tell anyone who dares inquire about the state of their repairs, or lack thereof, to bug off. They get away with it. What has our Donald done that’s any worse?

“Now, it’s obvious that they have a Department of Emergency Management that can’t even manage a daily shift change without causing mass panic. But this time, the whole country – hell, the whole world! – gets to hear about it! We couldn’t have been handed a better opportunity to demonstrate to the people of Hawai‘i how stupid they are, and how badly their swamp needs to be cleared. How badly they need to validate with their votes what they’ve already conclusively demonstrated with their purchases, where their true interests lie. With us who actually deliver services, not with corrupt Democrats who don’t.”

“I hear you, Reg. And all those non-white-skinned folk in the Hawaiian Islands who say that we don’t represent them?”

“Don’t be unworthy, Syd. Those persons can say what they want, but so long as they are buying our stuff, they lie, to themselves as much as to others. Besides, the Hawaiian royals were always on our side, they needed our businesses and the money they generated to perpetuate their lifestyles. The rest will come along.”

          *                    *                    *

Screwtape III

“Woormsap!!”

“Yes, Master Screwtape?”

“Do we have a Tammany Hall?!?”

“Y-yes, sir, of course, have had it for decades, topside time. A direct copy of the original in the Northeast Corridor subregion of H.E.L.L. LLLC. W-we needed it to house the machine politicians in Seattle and Portland, among other places in our region. Surely you remember this, sir?”

“Don’t call me Shirley!”

“Yessir.”

“Well, be sure it’s down to par. We’re going to need it for when the Democratic politicians in Hawai‘i honor their contracts with us. Which I expect to happen any moment now!”

“Everything should be in readiness, sir, the construction demons have anticipated your demands. Each cell in the hall is slated to contain a shade of the corrupt Democratic bureaucracy, one of the Republican/Trumpist business crony racists, and one of the citizenry whose willful ignorance and sloth enabled both of the other two. They can compare notes for all eternity.”

“That’s bad, Wormsap.”

“Curse you, sir.”

          *                    *                    *

Dude and Dude

“So this is yer fault.”

“WhaAAAAaat?!? Do I look like I work fer tha Hawai‘i Civil Defense?”

“Ya can’t even be civil wit’ me, dude. I been tellin’ ya ta stop obsessin’ over them Fallout games, yeah? ‘R they’ll stick ta ya. ‘R ta me. An’ whaddaya do? Ya keep playin’ ’em. Now it looks like they’re stickin’ ta tha whole goddam state!”

“Yeah right, dude. But, ya know what?”

“What?”

“R’member how, like, durin’ tha last Presidential ‘lection, how all these chicks on Facebook were screamin’, like, no way no how were they goin’ back ta tha Fifties?”

“Yeah, I dig.”

“An’ ya heard how, like last month, tha Civil Defense peeps started in on tha air raid siren thingy?”

“Yup.”

“What decade ‘r we in again?”

“Dude.”