Dude and Dude: Distances

“Gah!!”

“This sumthin’ I wanna know ’bout, dude?”

“Prob’ly not. Check out this IM from Terry.”

“‘Tha news suggests the entire big island will be blown to smithereens.’ Like, wow.”

“Ya didn’t even read tha bit ’bout tha Pacific Ocean fillin’ up wit’ all tha lava from tha otha volcanoes that ours is gonna set off.”

“Sheesh. No wonda all a our peeps on tha mainland ‘r tryin’ ta get us ta come home, like now.”

“They don’ mean it, dude.”

“… whut?”

“They talk a lot, yeah. But ya seen any plane tickets from ’em yet?”

“Oh. ‘Thoughts an’ prayers’, like?”

“‘R not like.”

“Word. But, where does they get this stuff?”

“What stuff?”

“Tha fake news ’bout tha volcano!”

“Straight outa tha KaCHING School a Journalism, dude. Where all tha rest a tha fake news’s been comin’ from alla this time. Nobody’s buyin’ nothin’ else!”

“But what if’n ya got tha straight dope, yeah?”

“What’s this gotta do about weed?”

“Tha volcano burnin’ down all tha ganga farms? Not that kinda dope, dope!”

“Fine, have it yer way. Y’wanna try tellin’ peeps what’s really happenin’ an’ see if’n any a ’em will pay attention?”

“I’d rather they paid me!”

“Right. Speakin’ a burnin’ ganga.”

“Fun-nee. Not! So what’s tha deal? Peeps think this volcano thingy is really big, big ’nuff ta wipe out Hawai‘ Island an’ maybe lots more. But they really ain’t got no clue, so’s they buy whatever they’re told. Especially if’n it gives them a thrill.”

“Ew. But how doya fix it?”

“Ya give ’em somethin’ ta compare it to! Say ya live in Boston. OC’s got some peeps there, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“So ya tell ’em, if’n ya put tha volcano in Massachusetts along tha South Shore, we’re livin’, like, west a Worcester. Nobody in Boston cares ennythin’ ’bout what goes on in Massachusetts west a Worcester. An’ we’re that far away from tha volcano in Hawai‘i. So why should we care about it?”

“‘K …”

“Now, say ya put tha Hawai‘i volcano in Washington DC.”

“Ain’t they already got one?”

“In his dreams, dude. An’ ours. Tha bad ones. Stop distractin’ me. Anyway. If’n tha volcano’s on tha Mall, we ‘r livin’ in, like, tha Blue Ridge Mountains. Ya go ta tha Blue Ridge so’s ya c’n get away from DC an’ not haveta care ’bout it no more. Why should we care enny more than that?

“An’ speakin’ a Washin’ton. We useta live in tha state, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“So what if’n we put tha Hawai‘i volcano on topa Mt. St. Helens? What blew in 1980, yeah? We’d be livin’ practically on tha coast. Y’can hardly see tha mountain from there.”

“Yeah, but that’s west a Mt. St. Helens. They didn’t get much outa that big boom. East, ‘nother story. That ash cloud went ta Idaho, at least.”

“Right. Now we c’n talk ’bout how big is big. Lookit this: the map a what’s eruptin’ on Hawai‘i right now (tha black box, yeah?) versus just tha blast damage from Mt. St. Helens. Tha Kilauea thingy is tiny, dude!”

“Mebbe not so tiny fer tha folks what’s livin’ in lower Puna, dude.”

“Dig. An’ it’s sure as hell photogenic. But it ain’t no way big as tha hype it’s gettin’.”

“But we’re still livin’ on an island, dude. An’ wasn’t there an island in tha Caribbean what was wiped out by a volcano?”

“Only ’bout half a it, dude. Yer thinkin’ a tha island a Montserrat. Which’s got tha volcano what Jimmy Buffett sang about. An’ yeah, let’s compare Montserrat wit’ Hawai‘i.”

“Like wow, dude. Ya c’ld put half tha islands a tha Caribbean onta tha Big Island, lose ’em, an’ nevah find ’em again!”

“Island size matters, yeah, dude? D’ya think peeps’ll believe us now when we sez we’re doin’ OK here, volcano or no volcano?”

“Mebbe. Mebbe not. All’s I know is this.”

“What?”

“If’n tha volcano starts belchin’ out apartment-sized refrigerators, I’m a’gonna be gettin’ m’self one.”

“Only if’n ya c’n catch one afore it lands, dude. Otherwise, yer prob’ly gonna have ta be dealin’ wit’ a pretty good-sized Freon leak.”

“Damn, dude. There’s always a catch.”

“Yeah, like, what’d I say, dude?”