Amoeba’s Lorica: Electshun

At an undisclosed location – mostly because he has been in so many locations lately, he couldn’t disclose which one this was if he had to, because he can’t remember – Your Friendly Neighborhood Amoeba was wandering through an old bookstore when …

“So how old was it, OC?”

How old was what, dude?”

“Tha bookstore!”

Few years, maybe. Basic strip mall. It wasn’t doing the haunted house jive, not yet anyway.

“So it wuz a new bookstore, amirite?”

I don’t think so, dude. There’s no such thing any more, yeah? You want to tell me when’s the last time you held a new book in your hands that you didn’t have to plug in to read? The stores that are left …

“… ‘r all owned by Bernie Sanders??”

[… Ahem] The stores that remain all peddle old books. You know, paper? Glue? Heavy, need shelves, a pain to move? Fire hazard? Really retro stuff. Like vinyl records.

“An’ yer boomer peeps want this stuff? Smh, man. So ya wuzn’t at no old bookstore, OC, ya wuz at a oldbook store.”

Yeah …

“So howcum ya didn’t say so in tha first place?!? See ya …”

Bah. Who invented this English language anyway? Whoever it was, they’ve got a lot to answer for. Anyway (sorry for the interruption), YFNA was wandering through this [ahem] oldbook store when he came up with a copy of something that he thought only existed in an old writer’s imagination: The Lunarian Astonished, from a Pfeiffer & Co., Boston, 1803. Except that this copy, despite its seriously yellowed paper, cracking binding, and apparently-authentic 1803 date, contained dialogues with modern-day Hawaiian citizens about modern-day Hawaiian events. Rad …

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LUNARIAN: “So how come we’re sitting in this traffic jam?”

HAWAIIAN: “Sorry. It’s election season.”

LUNARIAN: “You have a regulated hunt for elections? Why? Are they good to eat? I’ve not yet seen any in your supermarkets. Are they pests that you’re trying to control?”

HAWAIIAN: “No. And don’t tempt me.”

LUNARIAN: “Is this some kind of sport?”

HAWAIIAN: “You’re getting warmer. But the hunt is for votes. During our election season, the candidates who wish to be selected by the citizens of this state for leadership positions in the government, and their supporters and their signs, gather by roadsides and let people know that they are candidates.”

LUNARIAN: “And give the people who pass by information on their qualifications for the offices they wish to serve in, and the policies they intend to follow if elected.”

HAWAIIAN: “No, mostly they just wave.”

LUNARIAN: “What purpose does that serve?”

HAWAIIAN: “Well, if a candidate stands by the side of the road and survives, then I guess that shows that the candidate is not enough of a pest to be controlled right then and there. So that’s something. Then, there’s the size of the party accompanying the candidate. The larger the party, the greater the impression that the candidate is peddling something people want, and maybe the person driving by will think so too and join that party.”

LUNARIAN: “Without any information on what that party actually stands for?”

HAWAIIAN: “Yeah, but if a lot of people are standing there, whatever it is must be good, hm?”

LUNARIAN: “Do citizens have any other sources of information about what the candidates for office stand for and plan to do?!?”

HAWAIIAN: “Well, there are always the slanging matches that take place on broadcast and social media, during which the parties pretty much scream and hurl insults at each other. Otherwise, nothing that the citizens will actually pay attention to.”

LUNARIAN: “Right. Pray tell, what kinds of decisions are usually made at parties?”

HAWAIIAN: “Usually, ones that you regret the following morning. Big time.”

LUNARIAN: “Can’t we just bounce over this jam?”

HAWAIIAN: “Sorry. We’ve been over this several times already. Earth has a lot more gravity than the Moon.”

LUNARIAN: “When you run your political process on the basis of parties?!? I don’t see any evidence of this gravity of which you speak.”