Dude and Dude: And the Goose Is …

“Dude?”

“Yeah?”

“Whut’re ya doin’ in tha kitchen?”

“Tryin’ ta rustle up sumthin’ ta eat. Duh.”

“They don’ deliver pizza no more, dude?”

“I’m payin’ fer it wit’ yer good looks? B’sides, I jus’ might want sumthin’ that ain’t a brick a salt dyed red fer a change. So I’m a’gonna have a go here.”

“Hoooo – kay. Where’s yer cape? An’ yer red underpants?”

“[…] whut?”

“So’s ya c’n be Captain Cook, dude! Whut’s yer superpower, huh? Burnin’ burgers?”

“Dude. It’s listenin’ ta you fer more’n five minutes wit’out wipin’ tha floor wit’ yer dead body. Fer yer info, that’s how come I got this book out.”

“…’Cook book’ …”

“Zactly.”

“Don’ see how ya c’n do it, dude. If’n ya bake it ‘r fry it, it’s gonna be dry, if’n ya don’ manage ta burn it afta all.”

“… dude …”

“An’ if’n ya boil it, it’s gonna come out all mushy.”

“Dude …!”

“WhaaAAAat? Oh, I get it! Ya’ve been holdin’ out on me! Ya’ve gone an’ gotten a job as a crooked accountant an’ didn’t tell me! No wonda yer turnin’ yer nose up at pizza!”

“That’s it, dude! No more binge-streamin’ Breakin’ Bad fer you! I ain’t gonna cook tha book, I’m gonna read it! An’ it’s gonna tell me ever’thin’ I need ta know ta feed us.”

“Sumthin’ wrong wit’ YouTube?”

“Only tha ads, dude.”

“Hooo … no, dude! Don’t do it!”

“Don’ do whut?”

“Cook taday!”

“Why not?!?”

“‘Cause I ain’t done wit’ it yet! An’ neither are you! I dunno whut happens when ya cook a day afore it’s over, but I ain’t goin’ there if’n I don’ gotta, yeah? Cook yesterday ‘r sumthin’!”

“Not happenin’, dude. Ya won’t get a lot a nutrition outa it.”

“Yeah? Why not?”

“‘Cause it’s a’ready gone, dude! An’ I can’t cook tamorrow ’cause it ain’t here yet an’ it ain’t any more substantial than yestaday! Yer gonna get taday an’ yer gonna like it.”

“Yer not my motha …”

“Did she useta yell at ya ta get outa her kitchen?”

“Um … yeah …”

“Why ‘m I not saprised? Go play wit’ Twitter ‘r sumthin’, dude, an’ maybe we c’n eat afore tamorrow.”

“But you said …”

“Dude?”

“Whut?”

“Shut. Up.“