A work (as this is written) of fiction. Resemblance of names to living persons and extant places are for satirical intent, or are coincidental.
BOSTON, MA (API*): Large sectors of the Roxbury and Dorchester neighborhoods of Boston are smoldering ruins at this hour, while armed forces from South Boston, responding to the St. Patrick’s Day attacks by the A-Nation movement headquartered in Roxbury, pursue their objectives of destroying all A-Nation infrastructure, eliminating A-Nation leadership, and recovering hostages. A humanitarian crisis, resulting from the obliteration of essential services to people crowded within the embattled neighborhoods, and the near-total blockade preventing goods and persons from entering or leaving them, is focusing national and international attention on the fighting, but direct intervention is being withheld for fear of triggering a larger conflict.
The assault on A-Nation territory by South Boston militias is in its fifth day. It began two days after the surprise attack on the South Boston St. Patrick’s Day Parade by A-Nation troops, who swooped onto the parade route, hurling grenades and launching shoulder-fired missiles, killing and wounding hundreds and claiming dozens of hostages including the Bruin, the mascot for Boston’s National Hockey League team, before vanishing among the tenements of Roxbury and Dorchester. Special forces squads have recovered a few of the hostages, but most of them, including the Bruin, remain in A-Nation hands. At pubs throughout Southie, patrons are raising Stanley cups in solidarity with the Bruin, and are vowing his recovery and all others, and revenge on Roxbury.
The St. Patrick’s Day attack, and its size and scope, caught most observers by surprise, but the speed and power of South Boston’s response has been far beyond anyone’s expectations. “Look”, explained South Boston commander Collin Collins, a former Green Beret, “these people are supremacists. They think white people, Irish people, are monsters created in a lab somewhere, and they want us gone. We’ve been watching, and we’ve been preparing. We thought we had a handle on their movements. We were wrong. We will not be wrong again. We will stop when A-Nation can no longer trouble us, because it no longer exists.” When asked whether South Boston forces were achieving those objectives, he said “Yes” but offered no details, and when asked about collateral damage, he brusquely ended the interview. Claims from other sources about South Boston’s progress towards its military objectives could not be independently verified.
Social media posts showing battle zone residents squatting in the rubble of their homes, without food or water or power, have led to mounting criticism of South Boston, and increasingly large demonstrations in support of the people of Roxbury and Dorchester. These protests have been met by massive counterdemonstrations, in which the participants carried “No Irish Need Apply” signs, and equated any critique of their actions with support for Irish genocide. Universities that tolerated protest activities from Black Lives Matter and other groups expressing support for Roxbury reported huge financial losses from withdrawal of endowments and other high-value giving, and several senior executives, including at least one university President, have been censured or dismissed.
Intense diplomatic efforts are being made by local, state, and federal governments to induce the belligerents, especially South Boston, to scale down or cease the fighting, secure the release of hostages, and allow humanitarian aid to reach residents of the battle zone. More direct interventions have, so far, been avoided, lest a wider conflict result. The Massachusetts National Guard has been called out, but has been used only to direct citizens away from the war front. A source within the Guard, who spoke on condition of anonymity, stated that Guard commanders were arguing against using their troops in an effort to stop the fighting, fearing the divided loyalties of their soldiers and that, even as a united force, they were inferior in experience, commitment, and supplies to South Boston.
In other news, drone attacks against houses of worship associated with Abrahamic religions, ongoing for the past two weeks, continued today. A synagogue in Brooklyn, a Baptist church in Houston, and a mosque in Chicago were all targeted, with varying amounts of property damage but no casualties. No organization has claimed responsibility for these attacks, but from what has been learned about the drone flights to date, with distant launch sites from targets and strong evidence for autonomous guidance, a group with significant resources and advanced artificial-intelligence capabilities is suspected. A request to AI leader Sam Altman for comment was responded to by a computer-generated announcement of Mr Altman’s candidacy for President of the United States, with the campaign slogan “A Better Way” and a campaign office in Berkeley, California. DoorDash delivery folks confirmed the existence of the office, but complained that, despite activity inside continuing at a high level at all hours of the day and night, no one ever ordered anything to eat.
* API: Amoeba Press International. All the News That’s Fit to Fake Print Post.
Far too real. Wonderfully written as always.