Amoeba’s Lorica: Academic Email Signature

A man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest. – Paul Simon


Name: Y. F. N. Amoeba

Title: Senior Wheel Reinventor

Pronouns: Yes. Also pro verbs.

Department: Redundancy Department

Institution: Dawg University

Address: 1 Academic Circle

    Perplexity, Confusion 66666 USA

    North America

    Earth

    Sol Star System

    Alpha Quadrant

    Milky Way Galaxy

    K.N.O.W.N. Universe

    WoofWoofgrrrrrYIP!!Hoowwwwwwwwwllll!

I acknowledge with gratitude that I live and work in a world that has been defined by the efforts of my Western European ancestors in general, and my Irish, Scots, and English ancestry in particular. 

I acknowledge that those ancestors came to the Americas, starting in the 15th century of the Common Era, and proceeded to systematically wipe out its First Peoples through armed conflict, direct and indirect germ warfare, and social and economic repression, thereby creating a community without which my chosen career would not exist and, indeed, my life would have been forfeit at birth. I acknowledge that, had I been alive during this time, I would have behaved no differently, lest I run afoul of my true peers and share the fate of their targets, personally and in the eyes of history.

I acknowledge that any attempt on my part to recognize the surviving First Peoples, that does not rescue them from their current status as tokens and suppliers of illicit entertainment, and does not restore to them, in full, political and cultural sovereignty over their own lands (that is, the full extent of the North and South American continents), is empty posturing on my part, directed at those elements of the European-derived culture that I and my homies profess to despise but nevertheless utterly depend on, and showing no concern whatsoever for the authentic needs and desires of the First Peoples – which concern, if I actually showed any, might hurt me.

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